Be true. Be you. Be kind.

Life is a bitch, and then you die.

Ever heard this expression before? So have I. And life has been a bitch. But I'm not dead yet (insert song from Spamalot). Personally I don't have much left over for bitches. I believe in something we Norwegians call Kardemommeloven. It's a law from a children's book that goes something along the lines of this:

One should not bother others, one should be nice and kind.
And apart from that, you can pretty much do whatever you want.

It doesn't sound very poetic in English, but it is very sweet. And personally I think the author has a valid point. Far too many people in this world just take. They expect everyone to be at their beck and call, and they never offer anything in return. Not even a thank you. Why? They feel entitled to what they've got, and just take it all for granted.

We all do this every now and then, I just wish we did less of it. Why does life have to be a bitch? Why can't we all be a bit kinder, more giving, and grateful? And why can't we be just a bit more honest and open with each other?

I had someone tell me just the other day that I was extraordinarily open, and how easy I was to be around for just this reason. Why do we hide? I have been hiding most of my life, but as of quite recently I'm done. Hiding my true self and my past and present struggles are a lot more difficult and time consuming than just being honest. If someone thinks less of you for being honest about your life and person, then that is their problem, not yours. Being open and honest instead of hiding yourself is actually a great relief. I have never felt better. Exposed? Yes, no doubt about it. Vulnerable? Of course. But lighter, stronger, and more confident than ever. I own my history, my thoughts, actions, and feelings. If anyone is offended by my openness, that is their struggle, not mine. I am free.

I am not saying that I prance around bragging, or push myself on people who couldn't care any less about my life. I'm just saying that I am done hiding. And it feels great.

Also, when was the last time you told someone how much of an impact they've made on your life? When was the last time you truly and genuinely said thank you? Not just a quick thanks! on your way out the door, but a proper thank you? I think most of us don't even do close to enough of this. I know I don't. But every now and then I get not just a want, but a need to tell the people in my life how much they mean to me. It can be a simple thank you, a small gift, or a random message. It doesn't matter what form it comes in, as long as I get my message across. That you are important to me. That you matter. That my life would have been less without you.

I said a proper thank you today, and seing how the recipient responded to my thank you humbled me. I had no idea how many of the same thoughts of life we have been carrying around without the other one knowing. How similar our view on the world actually is. And I never would have, had I not opened up and told him exactly how much of an impact he has had on my life for the past year. Reading his response to my thank you, I am humbled. Moved. Truly touched. And saying goodbye has just become even more of a challenge. But I am glad that I did. Telling someone what kind of impact they have had on your life could be exactly what they need to hear. They might be doubting themselves, their actions, or even their existence. And a small thank you note can actually change that. I will cherish his reply to me, and retrieve it every time the going gets tough. Just as he told me he would retrieve my note in similar situations.

How does this make me feel? Great. If I can make a deserving individual feel better about what they do and who they are, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't we all? I'm not asking you to be fake and throw compliments and thank yous around like they're worthless. That sort of insincerity doesn't do anything for anyone. If anything, it's destructive. No, I'm talking about the honest compliment, and the genuine thank you. The it's not a compliment, I'm just being honest kinds of things. The true kindness. The showing of gratitude and love for our fellow human beings. For our family - given or chosen.

We are all in this together. And if life is going to keep insisting on being a bitch, don't you think we should try to counteract her and make our days just a little bit kinder? Is that too much to ask?

I have a bracelet on my left wrist that reads "Be true. Be you. Be kind." This is my mantra. I live by it. Yes, life has been a bitch to me too, but I will not let her win. I will keep being kind no matter how much awfulness she sends my way. That is my way of coping. And it works. I will keep being kind, true to myself, and patient. And I will do my very best not to judge anyone until I know why they do what they do. Everyone deserves a fair chance, and everyone deserves to know that someone out there cares and appreciates them. Don't they?

I'll do my part. How about you?

New Year. New possibilities?

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Har du en rik onkel til låns?

Har du en rik onkel (eller tante, eller noe annet) du kan låne meg? Jeg har funnet drømmestudiet. Det som skal til for å få meg dit jeg vil. Lånekassen er ikke enig. "Nei, dit skal du ikke. Ikke på vår krone, i hvert fall!". Hva gjør jeg da når skolen krever 16,600 pund per år, og man helst skal ha noe å leve av også!?!? Man jobber seg blå, vinner i lotto, eller får hjelp av en rik onkel. Finnes det noen der ute som kan tenke seg å forbarme seg over meg? *sukk* Jeg vet ikke hva jeg skal gjøre. Blir takknemlig for alle gode forslag...

Thank you!

Normally, right about now, I would be sitting here writing a summation of the year that just past. I do plan to do that too, but right now there is something else I would like to say; And that is "Thank You!" To my guardians. My angels. My wonderful friends.

My friends who have kept me (relatively) sane the past year; That have helped me keep going when the going got tough; That took me in when I had nowhere to go; And that every single time I see them, create a mental environment where I can actually relax (which is a rare thing these days).

So, I want to take these first few moments of 2014 to be grateful to my wonderful friends. I would not be here - I would not be ME - if it wasn't for you! I love you more than I can ever put into words, but I hope this little thank you will at least make you aware of my immense gratitude for having you in my life.

2014 will be my year of fabulous come-backs. Not of the sarcastic sort, but of the coming-back-to-where-I-belong sort. And my one wish is therefore that this year will be full of come-backs; Especially between me and my wonderful friends.

I love you more than Dobby loves socks!
And you rock mine!
Always.

Return to sender

There are so many things you can do with your life. You could be a pilot, a mathematician, an actress, or maybe sell shoes. You could be a lawyer, a police officer, or even a journalist. You could design clothes, or show them off, or make mind-blowing food worthy of an emperor's pallet. You could install windows, change locks, or you could help people during the worst times of their lives. We grow up being told we can do whatever we want to do. The sky is the only limit. The world is full of options. Of chances to be grabbed with both hands, and risks to be taken almost blindly. All you need is a little ambition.

At least that's what they want you to think. Then you grow up. You study something - maybe even something you shouldn't have, but it was fun (although pretty useless) so you did it anyway. And then - after you've graduated - you go: Now what? Then you have the loans, rent, tax, and maybe even possible new loans for more school. More tuition. Because you think you might have changed your mind. Question is: Have you? Or are you just scared? Of what is out there waiting for you. Of the world. Of yourself. Your potential.

Am I scared? Hell yes! I'm going through a holy-s**t-what-happened-to-me-where-am-I-going-stop-the-world-I-want-to-get-off kind of faze. I hate what I have turned in to. This terrified little creature. Scared of my own potential's reflection in the rear view mirror. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide from the world. And on many days that is exactly what I do. Because I can. I waste my time being scared. Hiding. What do I gain from this? Nothing. If anything - guilt. And more shame.

This isn't me, but at the same time it is. This is not the me people know, or the me that I'm proud of in any way or form. That me is goal oriented, always has a plan, is one step ahead, and knows exactly what to do and where to go to reach her goals. Nothing stands in her way. Ever.

What happened to her?

I miss her. I feel so hopeless without her. Like a complete looser of the worst kind. I feel below every beggar I have ever met. Combined. Tragic. Knowing that had they been in my shoes they would have taken on the world and lived every day. Loving it. But not me. Why?

Have I been hiding my true self? Do I have a dream I am not allowing myself to pursue? Or am I just plain scared of the world? Or is it a little bit of all of the above?

I don't know anymore. I don't know the answer to anything. I'm even starting to doubt who I am. I cry at least once a day. Sometimes - most of the time - I don't even know why. Then I'll go somewhere. Somewhere beautiful. And then I'll smile and be happy and appreciate the beauty. And then I'll be sad again. Or confused.

I am the most happy when I'm productive. Efficient. Doing something I deem "worth while". So why is it so hard for me to get up and do something that fits those criteria?

I don't know what to do. Where to go. Who I am. Where I belong.

I am lost. Please help find me. Bring me back. I need help. Don't let me make excuses. Hold me accountable. Get me out of here. Where ever "here" might be.

If anyone finds me, please return to sender.

Prosjekt: Lappeteppe

Hei hopp og hurra! Lappeteppet er ferdig! Det er stund siden *kremt*, og bursdagsbarnet har allerede fått det. Det var en stor hit. Lappeteppe heklet av 30 ruter (mål: 30x30cm - passende som 30årspresang...) - alle i forskjellig mønster. Er det lov å si at man er stolt av eget arbeid?

Thoughts for my 26th...

Why this post ended up in English is beyond me. But I couldn't be bothered translating it before posting, so please bare with me...

The last month hasn't been an easy one. I have become homeless, and so am now crashing at a friends house while looking for a place of my own. I am also looking for work. Work that doesn't make me want to slit my wrists every single day (A bit dramatic? Perhaps).

I turn 26 next week. I have no job, no home, no family of my own - none of the things one is "supposed to have" by now. None.

I have been panicking lately. Properly. Rethinking my entire life, and every decision I have ever made. Am I doing the right thing? Or should I give up, find a stable A4 job, and settle down? What would make me more happy?

A few years ago I wrote a blog post with random thoughts about me, my life and anything in between, inspired by a friend who makes this kind of list before every birthday. I've decided to make a new list (I like lists) this year. A wish-list for my 26th birthday...

For my 26th birthday I wish to:

1. Be happy
2. Find peace of mind
3. Show (and tell) my wonderful friends how much I love them
4. Stop taking said friends and their kindness for granted, and
5. ...SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM!
6. Start believing that everything is going to be ok
7. Find my place in the world

But wishing is only one side of the story. I am also very grateful. For so many things that are already a big part of my life.

I am grateful for:

1. Having friends that love me even when I'm not very lovable (that's when I need it the most, so THANK YOU!)
2. Being blessed with a body that, despite abuse and lack of care, carries me through my life somewhat gracefully
3. Having a family I can always come home to, that will love me in rain or shine
4. The blind love from my two beautiful nephews, and the pride I feel for being their aunt
5. Hugs. And how a proper one can brighten my entire day
6. The joy and presence experienced when dancing
7. Seasons. A constant reminder that things pass. Cold or warm, dark or bright, good or bad - this too shall pass

These are just some of the things I wish for and am grateful for as I approach 26.

I really do hope that this year will be the best one so far. Full of love, joy, good challenges, and adventure. I also hope this year will be the one where I get to experience not being overweight for the first time in as long as I can remember. I hope I get to spend tons of time with my fantastic friends, and hopefully catch up with those lovely people I don't even see half as often as I'd like to.

I hope you all know how much I love you. I explained to a friend once, that even if we don't see each other very often, or talk daily, that doesn't mean I love you any less. You don't stop loving family because you don't see them for a while. That's what families are. People you love (and know will love you) in good and bad, no matter the distance between you.

My beautiful friends, you know who you are, please know that I consider you all my family. And I love you more than what should be humanly possible.

Here's to another year, good health, and an abundance of love!